This post is a reminder to myself first and foremost to never give up no matter how hard things get. I hope it helps some other lonely revert out there.
We all have them, they are not pleasant and I hate them. We’re all thought to be unique, when we are young. But no one tells us that sometimes being unique means different, which also means you are going to be alone. Don’t get me wrong, I know Allah (SWT) is always with me but sometimes I can’t help feeling lonely. So many secrets, so many situations where your just stuck, so many people you wish you could depend on but you can not.
I’m sure any revert who hasn’t come out can relate to this feeling. The feeling of being stuck, where you are neither here nor there, the feeling of having neither this nor that. The feeling of wanting to embrace your Muslim identity and not have to hide.
It’s definitely that strange yet crushing notion which leaves you feeling completely alone. I love my friends but I doubt they can understand how lonely it gets being two people at the same time. One side I’m a revert desperately trying to strengthen and protect my Iman, and on the other I’m just a normal Sinhalese girl.
Some days are effortless and others are battles. Avoiding people, avoiding shirk, maintaining hijab, rushing to pray, sometimes inevitably missing prayers, and of course the longing to belong. It gets to you eventually. I think it takes a revert to understand another revert. Someone who has gone through it all, otherwise this probably sounds really strange!
So to sum it up,
Worse feeling is when you find out you are alone. There is no one who can understand you and somewhere along the line people will hurt you and let you down. You’ll be an outsider to both worlds. The heartache will be unbearable and sometimes crippling. You will lose people who were suppose to be your closest friends and sometimes you’ll realize they weren’t your friends in the first place.
The best feeling is when you realize that it’s really you and Allah (SWT) against the world. There is nothing the world can throw at you which Allah (SWT) can’t help you conquer. You have to keep repeating it to yourself that what ever comes your way, Allah (SWT) will never burden your soul with that which you can not handle. This will eventually help you grow stronger. All the trials set and sent to us are either to teach us something, or to make us stronger.
So even though I feel completely alone right now, I know things will get better. As long as I have Allah (SWT), nothing else matters. So hoping for better days I say pray, recite, and ask lots and lots of dua, because at the end of the day it is only Allah (SWT) who will never ever let you down.