This post is more a reminder to myself and a declaration to inspire me, if unfortunately there comes another day I need a pick me up. I hope it helps anyone else who has been going through the same thing I have.
Recently I haven’t been doing well, or should I say my iman hasn’t been doing well. I just seem to lose myself sometimes, and I know what I should do but it’s just so hard to get back up once you fall down. I don’t think I’ve fallen this hard since well my initial reversion. Dark days indeed. It was sort of a process until you just feel lost. I don’t know how to explain the feeling but you just feel empty, you lose the contentment you had, life now seems more important than the here after and stupid things like looking good matter more. Your depressed but it doesn’t feel like it, it just feels like nothing. Worse is the shame, the shame of turning to your lord and telling him that you have been so stupid, lazy, negligent and just down right disobedient. So you think you can run away, and just maybe you can crawl in to a hole with all that shame and escape it all. Of course in reality this is the stupidest thing ever coz well Allah (SWT) is all seeing, all knowing. He can see you hiding and running and yet he chooses mercy. Alhamdulillah for our lord’s undying mercy upon us, his kindness and ability to forgive us. He’s so amazing! I owe him everything, every single thing in my life, and I feel so horrible to think that I repay him by being negligent to what he has expected of me.
Listening to Brother Nouman Ali Khan I learned that when you miss your prayers, Shaithan comes to you and tells you “Well you’ve missed one, one more won’t matter” and it goes on untill he says “Can you face Allah now that you have missed so many prayers? You have been so negligent why should he forgive you?”. He fills you with shame so that you chose to not face Allah and ask for forgiveness. This is his biggest trick. You end up feeling horribly guilty and thinking that asking for forgiveness would be of no use. You just think why would he forgive you? you wouldn’t if you were him. But that’s the point, your not him, Allah (SWT) is not limited by human emotions. He is free of all boundaries. He is infinite in all of his goodness.
Now I’m not blaming Shaithan for my mistakes, I’m a big girl I know what I did. I don’t know if it really was Shaithan who made me feel this way but I did feel too ashamed to turn to Allah (SWT). And the worse is when you realize that your being tricked, you feel even more stupid and guilty so you try to hide and not turn to Allah (SWT) even more.
But I did turn to Him in the end (Mashallah!), coz I know if there is anyone (at all) in this universe (forget the world) who can forgive me and still love me even after I have been nothing but a spoiled brat, it’s Allah (SWT). After all that he has given me, made, and shown me I have to fight. I have to try. So I mustered up what ever last bit of strength I had and I asked for his help and mercy. And of course he answered, as always. Allahu Akbar! I really wonder where I would be without him. A very dark and empty place, no doubt.
Alhamdulillah I feel a lot better now a days, I feel my iman strengthening and I know it is all because I put aside my shamed feelings and bowed down to my lord and begged for his forgiveness. Inshallah I shall return to how I once was, but for now it’s all about the fight to stay up. I kept wondering why it happened to me, I see brothers and sisters who are able to stay up right (Mashallah!). Why do I grow so weak and lose it? Why do I let it get to me?
I don’t know if this happens anyone else. It happened to me and I think maybe this is the Jihad I have to fight. The constant struggle to stay on the right path, and to get back to the right path. I found this picture which really helped me and inspired me. No matter what happens we will always have one person who will love us and show us mercy. It doesn’t matter what we might have done, as long as we seek his forgiveness we can always get back to the right path. It only feels like it’s too late, it never really is. No matter how many times you go up and down, what matters is our will to fight.
So this is me, swearing to fight until the last breath escapes my lips. I know I will fall again but I will get up, Inshallah I will stay in the right path. I know I might not be able to live up to my promises, but I will surely try, and never stop trying. I just know the difference of having Allah (SWT) and not having him in your life, it’s drastic. It’s horribly lonely and empty. I never want to go back there. I never want to lose Him. I don’t know if I can be a good Muslim but I know I’m gonna at least be the most resilient Muslim. So I might not have a camouflage uniform and a gun, but I have a hijab and a Holy Quran. That is how I fight.