Bulls*^t

They say you get wiser as you grow older, I’m not sure about that but my tolerance level for bulls*^t has definitely diminished. I’m just so very tiered of all this pretending and dancing we do every single day. So this is me venting my frustration, why?, because I have no one else I can tell this to! No one I know could even possibly fathom the weird situations I get myself in to, and because as of late I have come to the harsh conclusion that not many of my so called close people really care. So please bare with me.

I’m so tiered of all the lies and all the pretending. If we don’t like someone why do we pretend to? Why do we continue putting ourselves through Oscar performances just so we can turn around and tell others “Omg I so don’t like her”. I’m so tiered of the fake friends, the type that call you 3 times a day when they need something from you but can’t extend a courtesy text on your birthday. I’m so tiered of people trying to use you from every single angle, even when they could gain nothing, they still try to use you! I’m so tiered of trying to help and finding out that they wish to bite the hand that feeds them, not a great feeling.

I’m so tiered of the let down, the betrayal, the hurt feelings, the backstabbing, the unlawful conclusion, the accusations, the hypocrisy, the unsympathetic behaviour, the carelessness, the weird stares, the judging looks and the sheer lack of humanity! What is wrong with us?! What has happen to us to make us so dishonest and so pompous that we think we are better than everyone else (by “we” I include myself). Why do we pretend so much?! Why do we use people so much?!

I’m so tiered of trying to force myself in to the Muslim community, I’m so tiered of knowing they don’t like me, I’m so tiered of them treating me the way they do just because I talk different, dress different, have a different viewpoint, and (I didn’t think this was important but) because I have a different (freaking) type of blood! I’m so tiered of everyone always staring at me. I’m so tiered of the gawking Muslimahs when ever I enter a crowded restaurant (I mean at least try to be stealthy with the looking!). I’m so tiered of the whispers. I’m so tiered of smiling at my sisters and only seeing a judgemental “who are you to smile at me” look. I’m so tiered of being treated like I’m less of a Muslim just because I’m a revert. I’m so tiered of people waiting for me to revert back to Buddhism just so they could say “Ha I told you so!”. I’m so tiered of people condemning me just because I’m a Sinhalese, I’m not a Sinhalese girl, I am a Muslim girl! I’m so tiered of no one understanding how much my hijab really means to me (Yes I’m a revert but that doesn’t mean I value it any less than you do). I’m so tiered of being angry and hurt at all these things.

I’m so tiered of being someone I don’t want to be. I’m so tiered of still being stuck in the middle after all these years. I’m so tiered of not being able to wear my hijab all the time. I’m so tiered of not having anyone to call my own. I’m so tiered of always having to be on guard. I’m tiered of trying to explain what this feels like but failing miserably because everyone seems to think I’m crazy to be where I am. Come to think of it, I’m tiered of being in these weird situations where I am nothing at the end of the day.

I’m just so tiered of so many people…

I’m so tiered of myself feeling this way! I’m so tiered of being such a whinny baby when there are so many people out there who are suffering. I’m so tiered of how ungrateful I have become.

So very tiered of everything…

I need a punching bag…

Ya Allah! My Rabbi, please help me for I am losing my faith in the people around me. I fear I am growing angry and bitter. I fear I will never trust again. I fear I will never love again. I fear my heart will harden, never to feel the warmth of a human embrace. I fear I shall hold resentment towards my brothers and sisters. I fear my broken heart will only become an empty black hole where nothing could survive. I fear with each tear I shed I become less of the Muslim I hope to be. I fear that the tears will not subside the pain. I need you. Please grant me guidance and patience. Please help me not feel this way, please take away the pain. Please bring peace to my heart. I love you. To you do I belong and to you is my return, my Allah, Subhana Wa Tala.

Peace!

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2 thoughts on “Bulls*^t

  1. Assalaamu alaykum sis. I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through. Unfortunately this happens often in the muslim community. The masjid by my old house (and my new house as well) is mostly one race, so when I went for salat or iftars, I felt like an outcast. Barely anyone ever spoke to me or even returned my salaams. Even when my kids would try to play with their children, the parents would pull them away. I just stopped going because it was to the point where I wanted to part of them. I wish I had a masjid to go to for classes and sisterhood, but that’s not the case. We’re all muslims, striving for jannah. I don’t understand why things are like we’re in middle school.
    I hope Allah softens their hearts to welcome you and befriend you and that He removes any ill feelings your experiences have given you. Ameen. I know it’s frustrating, but hey sometimes more sisters just bring more drama anyway. Lol.

    • Walaikum Salam sister. Lol true about the drama and jazakhallah khair for your encouraging words. I wish I had a sister like you here ๐Ÿ™‚ I’m so sorry to hear what happened to you and your children. I know how it feels. Women don’t go to mosque over here even though there is a ladies prayer section, so when I do, in hopes of not missing my prayers, everyone looks at me like I’m an alien. I so get what you mean. We are all in the same Ummah, fundamentally we are all children of Aadam (Alaihi Salam), so why the fuss about how we look and talk, etc. It is indeed like we are back in middle school. I guess we are the awkward new kids in school ๐Ÿ˜›

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