That is the question! I know it’s a simple one, and deep down I know I shouldn’t take off my scarf no matter what. It’s just sometimes, it’s not so easy.
With all that is going on in the country, wearing hijab is becoming increasingly difficult. As Muslimah’s we wear our deen on our sleeves (so to speak). It’s out there for the people to see, no one can mistak us for anything else. I’m not saying brothers don’t do that but they don’t stand out as much. When I wear hijab, everyone knows I’m Muslim. This has led to A LOT of staring. Especially these past couple of days.
To add to the pressure, reverts are being called out by the extremist group right now. It’s a big big deal to have reverted to Islam. For some reason the religion you choose to practice is everyone’s business, and everyone except you has a right over it. It’s become increasingly difficult for me to proudly say I’m a revert, or proudly say I am a Sinhalese revert.
On some level I fear for my safety if they found out I was a revert. Would they shout at me? Would they hit me? Would they pull off my hijab (as the extremist group has sworn to do)? Would they get my parents involved? Would they be harassed? Would they do worse? Secondly I fear I will bring proof to their allegations. I know I did this on my own, no one coerced me to do it. I wasn’t promised money, love, happiness or fame. But they don’t care about that, according to what they say, reverts to Islam were all promised something by some Muslim. Would they think “Oh..These Muslims ARE really converting people” when they find out I’m a revert? Would they blame my brothers and sisters for a choice I made? Would it bring problems to my community which is already struggling to safe guard the unity? Would it just make things worse?
These thoughts have been playing in my head for the past week. To top it, (oh yes there is more) I’m the only Muslimah in the whole of my MBA class. Kinda singles me out. I definitely felt like the odd one out at orientation. Then there is the fact that I won’t be able to wear my hijab to graduation since my parents won’t allow that. Is it worth while the weird looks you get when you go from years of hijab to one day without it? Tomorrow’s my first class. I have no idea how people are going to react to me being a Sinhalese Muslim. Would it be so bad if I said I came from a mixed family instead of the long awkward explanation?
I say to myself that it’s Shaithan playing tricks on me. Trying to create doubt and fear. I keep telling myself whatever happens if I stay true to Allah (SWT) no one can harm me. I keep trying to pep myself up, but I can’t help but think it’s better not to wear it. I don’t know what to do…
I had this same play of thoughts the night before orientation and Alhamdulillah I summoned up enough courage (by the mercy of Allah) to just wear it. I’m hoping tomorrow and every day after that will be the same.
I’m hoping my decisions do not burden my community. I’m hoping I don’t get too many awkward questions and stares. I’m hoping Allah (SWT) gives me the strength to fight this battle. I’m hoping I’m not going to be the kid which no one wants to play with.