Although I really hate to admit it I feel I might be, once again letting what others say effect my practice of the deen. I try really hard to not let it effect me but sometimes it takes it’s toll. I’m adamant to stay on top of it but it’s so difficult when you have so many people watching you and judging you while you struggle with making decisions on family, deen, and life. Although I’m not completely losing myself I feel I’m distancing myself from people, just so I don’t get judged by them too. I feel I’m distancing myself from my Lord as well. I talk to Him less these days, and when I do I try to hide the conflicting feelings of pain and resentment. I know it’s about the most stupidest thing to hide your feelings from God but I some how feel ashamed for having them, especially since I know in my head that I should just shake it off.
I would say, judging by how much I don’t want to feel this way, it’s involuntary. It’s just, why?, even after all that I have changed, why am I still considered to be the same person I was years ago (if not worse)? I know it’s just a trial. Same as before. It’s just being in the eye of the storm, saying it just doesn’t bring the same comfort it used to.
I’ve come to the realization that ever since my first encounter of this judging kind, I’ve been avoiding anyone who I thought would hurt me in that way again. Literally, making sure I don’t meet or mingle with anyone who felt they would have the authority to pass judgement. Although I think it’s somewhat cowardly on my part, it was more an unconscious act of self preservation. Alhamdulillah all this time it was ok and I really thought I was ready to brave it out and not break the next time it happened, but it still hurts. As much as I don’t care what they think of me, when they out right say it to me, it hurts.
Sticks and stones I can handle. Names, not so much.
So here I am, desperately trying to get my thoughts in order so I can just move on from this. I don’t want to have this weighing down on me. I don’t want this to make me forget the most important things in life. I don’t want to do things half heartedly because the rest of me is too worked up on feeling hurt and resentful. I definitely don’t want to pretend to hide from my Lord.
I think sometimes people forget that at the end of the day, I am a 22 year old girl trying to find her way in this world.
I really wonder if they would speak so harshly to their own 20 something daughters…