By nature, Alhamdulillah I have been organized like my father and methodical like my mother. I thrive on deadlines and just the right amount of pressure to excel. I like things organized, listed, and to me, one of the most satisfying things in life is being able to tick something as done on my to do list.
This is how I was, this is how I am still, just now, it’s buried deep down.
Work, where I am right now provides me with no purpose, no drive, no motivation. It stresses me for all the wrong reasons and gives me no sense of accomplishment. Even still I tell myself ‘It’s just a job, it pays’ and try to move on, but it has already started to hinder my soul. It has already started creeping into my very being, attempting to adjust who I am and how I do things, causing a battle to break out within me.
I used to think that if given the opportunity I would have no problem with letting go and relaxing, ‘going with the flow’ as they say. But lately I’ve been thinking otherwise. To me a job isn’t just something I need to do, it’s something I want to do. Even though I might complain about the work load, I want that. I want deadlines, strategic plans, breakdowns, feedback. I want procedures, systems and specific tasks. To me a workplace should either be free and creative or controlled and systematic. Right now I’m faced with something which is nothing but a ‘chaotic mess’. It’s a black hole which sucks in productivity and stagnates everything. No matter how one might try to move the cogs, they do not move. You must wait till someone with far more authority than you realizes it’s a mess. The blame of course is on you, then your voice is taken away from you with the simple reason that you just don’t understand things as much as they think they do.
I do not claim to know how things should be done but Alhamdulillah with what I have learnt I know there are better ways of doing things. Every Sunday I sit in class and wonder if I will ever get to do the things that I am learning. Whether I will be able to use such strategies, plans and decision making procedures. Some of them are, Masha’allah, brilliant and I would like nothing more than to go and try to implement something similar where I work, but I know that would never happen.
Some how, some where along the way I gave up. I stopped writing my to dos for the day, I stopped checking things off of a list, I stopped taking notes and minutes. Why? It doesn’t matter. No one works according to schedule except you, and it just seems sad when you work hard to meet deadlines and everyone around you could care any less. Recently while sitting in my class I realised that I was changing, changing into something I didn’t want to be. I don’t want to be ‘satisfied’, I want to be ecstatic! I don’t want to do the same thing everyday, I want challenges, I want to grow!
It is only on the days that I feel I have a lot to do I really feel like going to work, just because I know I will have something to do. Sitting in a corner with nothing to do but stare into a screen, waiting for others to finish their work so you can proceed is a waste of minutes. A complete utter waste. I rather be doing something than having to lounge around. Ironically there is a lot to do, just can’t do it. Why? How? Even I’m trying to figure it out.Everything is bottlenecked at one place and sifts through two weeks over deadline.
I’m just trying hard to not let this detrimental company culture change me. I’m trying hard not to lose myself, not to grow comfortable in doing nothing, not to grow comfortable in not reaching my potential. Basically after all those years of studying and achieving something, I’m trying not to take two steps backwards.
And that is the end of my random venting of frustration about work, I promise!