For quite some time now I’ve been hiding from reality. Not because I was scared but because I was tiered of having to be responsible, having to tackle problems, having to worry, having to think and plan, having to consider everyone’s feelings except mine. For once in my life I was sick of doing the things I did ever since I was a little girl. I was tiered of being everyone’s rock, crying shoulder, and “go to” person. So I hid. I hid away myself in a place that no one could find me, a place which was all mine. A place where loneliness and the crippling feeling of my shoulder bones crumbling could not touch me.
Unfortunately what I didn’t realize at the time was, one can never run away from who they really are. I think, for whatever reason, Masha’allah, I am a rock kind of person. I will always be everyone’s rock, I will always care, I will always be there. Sadly this would also mean, I would only always have myself to depend on. Hiding this part of me meant hiding other parts of me which were interconnected. It meant losing a little bit of my self and my relationship with Allah (something I know now that I should have never hid!). It meant being complacent with what was before me, it meant not caring about what happens, it meant adopting a ‘I just can’t be bothered attitude’. Why this attitude? Honestly because, whatever I did and whatever I cared about didn’t matter at the end of the day, so at one point I thought ‘why do I bother so?
I became so tiered of being strong. Although being strong is considered good it’s also a lot of pain, loneliness, and worry. It means protecting others while leaving yourself exposed. It means having your armour cracked but never giving up the fight. I just needed a break, I just needed to be not strong for awhile.
I think, I thought that if I hid this part of me, and if I pretended to breeze through this part of my life, it would be easier to deal with the problems I’m sure very few 22 year old girls have to face. It felt like I could hide from being different, from being highlighted by everyone, from being hated, from being judged, from being branded as whatever they wished. It meant I could protect myself. It was self preservation, rather than vain selfish desire.
Alhamdulillah, it finally hit me that whether I want to or not, I am this. I will always be this. No matter how much it hurts to be used by others, I would always be there for them, I would always care. And I’m happy, I really am happy, because this tiny sliver of me which causes so much pain within me, shows how very different I am to the man I would never want to be. It shows me that my greatest fear of becoming my father is but only a fear. And I think some how all that pain just keeps me levelled and helps me be a better person to others. And although I might not like to admit it, I really do like taking care of people and making sure they are happy, even when my smile might have a thousand different stories. Why should I hide it then? I should relish in it. Be grateful for it!
Alhamdulillah, even when I hide Allah is there helping me. As always I don’t think I could have done this without Him. He is my rock, He is my ‘go to’ person, He is who I depend on the most, He is who gives me an amazingly understanding husband to help me cope with the troubles of this world, He is my crying shoulder, He is my everything, He is who has given me strength, He is who has blessed me, He is who is with me every step of the way, Allahu Akbar!
I now believe, if Allah (SWT) has granted me something then it is for a reason, whatever pain and suffering that comes hand in hand with it, is for my well being. As long as he grants me strength, I shall stand, take every blow and jump every obstacle that comes my way, Insha’allah.