I am really not ashamed to say that I did long for a hero to come and save me once. I dreamt of my night in shining armour saving me from the pain I under went growing up. In the Disney princess version of my life, I would be saved. In reality however it was never the case. It was but always a longing. Some how I thought there would be no one who could save me, but the fact was no one could save me because I think I simply wouldn’t allow it in reality.
I watched out for the people around me, I took the lead, I some how always became everyone’s protector. I took care of those who couldn’t take care of themselves. I was the strong one, even when I didn’t want to be. And today seeing how I have become a mother to my younger brother as well as my own mother, I see that although I long for that feeling, I doubt I would have ever allowed myself to be saved or protected by another human being. The vulnerability, the exposure of allowing that would be far too expensive for me. It’s not that I see it as weakness, but rather that I fear it would be too much pain. I grew up taking care of people, being strong for people, some how on the way I forgot how to let others take care of me.
Strangely enough this is what my mother went through when she lost her father when she was my age. She became the protector of all 7 of her siblings as well as her own mother, she shouldered the burden and took care of them all. This is the same burden that she tried to protect me from, but some things are just written I suppose. Given that from the moment I was born I served as a form of strength and support for her to bare with her broken marriage, I think it was Allah (SWT)’s way of helping her. Maybe it was always meant to be.
Alhamdulillah, Allah (SWT) is the only one who has saved me, again and again. Starting from bringing me to Islam, and then countless times after that, Alhamdulillah! I felt that, every time. I knew that. I knew he watched over me but I think today is the first day that I really felt like he protected me, protected the very essence of me, my very being, from being torn apart by selfish desires and the hands of Shaithan. He protected me. He is there, granting me strength to cope and making sure I am able to stand. For the first time I feel shielded and protected. I feel taken care of, loved, appreciated, and forgiven. I feel stronger, better, rejuvenated, and equipped with far superior armour to go back out there.
Subhan’allah! Leave it to him to do the impossible!