Sometimes, I can’t even understand why or how Allah (SWT) loves me. Why? Why would He love me even after I have done so much? Even after I have disappointed him time and time again? Why would he still be there for me? Watch over me? Do I even have a right to call on him? To pray to him? Ask him for his forgiveness? Do I have any rights left at all?
It’s these times that utter shame transcends over me for being such a horrid person, for making such grave mistakes, for being such a bad Muslim, for being such a bad person. This crippling shame would leave me in a corner crying for hours, feeling so hopeless and wanting to re-wind time, go back to better days, when I wasn’t this. This same crippling shame makes getting myself to face Allah (SWT) that much more difficult, not breaking down crying during prayer is not an option any more.
I hate myself so much right now! I have every right to. I am horrible. I have become the one thing that I hated all along, the one thing I tried so hard not to be. The one thing I forced myself to not be. I have become a hypocrite. I have proven right all those people who said such hurtful things about me. If I could, I would beat myself up, out of sheer anger and disgust about what I am, what I have become. Looking in the mirror I don’t even know who I am any more, let alone what I am doing. It’s like I’m a completely different person, I’ve lost myself, my drive, my passion, my very essence which made me who I was. I’ve lost everything, and there stands an empty shell of a women. Someone who’s life is spiralling out of control, someone who is ungrateful for what she has, someone who has disobeyed her Lord in the most gravest of ways, someone who has let so many down in such a short time, someone who is becoming something so hideous that even she can’t look at herself in the mirror any more. Someone, who even if her Lord had the mercy to forgive her, would never forgive herself for what she has become.
I don’t know where or how I went wrong, all I know is, it’s time to stop. It’s time to revert.
The Secret Hijabi 