With just a few days more till my most awaited time of the year, as usual I feel a sudden rush of things I wanted to do before Ramadan. Now it feels like a crushing weight of panic, trying to get everything in order, so I can concentrate on nothing more than worshipping Allah (SWT). I think this time I will not dwell on the details too much. If I didn’t get something done, that’s too bad. Maybe it wasn’t meant to be. All I can do is try and take advantage of Allah’s mercy in this glorious month.
Honestly I question the path I am on right now. Ruled by my desires rather than what my mind tells me I think Ramadan couldn’t have sooner! It really couldn’t have! With all the changes that have taken place in the past 5 months, with all the fighting, confusion and responsibilities, I need a break. I just need to concentrate on myself. Trying to stretch myself thin for the people around me has just left me empty. I’ve made mistakes I thought I would never make. I’ve fallen in to such a deep hole. A couple of days ago, dying of shame sounded like something I could relate to. But that won’t solve anything, that won’t help anyone. I need to get back on track with what I was before this ‘chaotic mess’. I need to change.
Two Ramadans ago I was so strong, I was in a completely different place. I can’t even understand where or how I lost my way so badly. All I know is, if I want to be that then I’m the only one who can make the change. I have to trust Allah to place everything in its right place. I might have failed miserably the tests that He has placed for me in the past few months, but it changes now. I’m going to do better, I will be better.
Someone important said, “Ramadan will set everything right”. So this is me letting it. Insha’allah I hope I am able to replenish my iman and strength. I’m so tiered of being tiered. I know I want to be alone, with Allah and no one else. I feel bad for craving that, because it means I don’t want the people who I’m suppose to love. But I can’t help but just wanting to be His, at least for awhile.