Seeing me upset the past couple of days, my younger brother barges in to my room. Sits beside me while I try to hide my tear stained face and asks me what is wrong. I tell him what I tell everyone else, “nothing”. He knows me better, he wouldn’t buy that for a second. “Akki (means elder sister in Sinhalese), it’s me” he says. I break down, explain to him what I could. I don’t have words to tell him how different I am from how I used to be. I could never word my thoughts, for so many reasons, shame being one. He listens. I end with telling him that important pieces of me have chipped away and I don’t know how to get them back. He ponders on my words, looks at me with the most serious eyes (highly unlikely for him) and says “I don’t really understand what has happened or what is going on, but, all I know is if pieces of you have broken away, you need to get up and fix them back together”
I was left to ponder on his words with a strange feeling of pride to know that, that smart little thing is my baby brother.
The past few days have been some of the most difficult of my life. I’ve questioned myself and the person I have become like never before. If I have realized anything, it’s that there is no point feeling bad about it and worrying about it. I need to move on. I need to fix myself, I need to make it up to those who I let down, I need to get back to who I was, who I wanted to be. It’s easy to take comfort in feel good sayings like “We all make mistakes” and “We are human after all”, but I don’t want to. I never want to feel any comfort for the mistakes I have made.
If I must judge someone, I shall judge myself in the most harshest of ways. Why? Because judging myself will lead me to be better, to never make the same mistake, to never fall again. As said before, I am yet to know whether I could ever forgive myself for what I have done, even though those around me have shown me so much mercy. I might not know this, but I know I need to fix things. I need to find the broken pieces and put myself back together again. I need to be me again.
Insha’allah with the help of Ramadan and Allah (swt), I shall!
With that, I pray, Insha’allah, that this line of posts shall end. Looking forward to happier days!