Toxic

This will be the last post of it’s kind, I promise ( or well for now, Allahu Alam what life holds for me). Never the less this is it, I close this chapter forever with this, why? Because with all the soul searching I have been doing during this month I have realised, I just don’t have the time to think about it. So this is me, shutting this door.

I never thought in a short span of five months such a huge change could be evoked in me, or anyone else for that matter. Such drastic, detrimental change. I was unhappy, stressed, and just not me. I couldn’t really explain why, I didn’t understand it myself. There was nothing wrong with the people I worked with, in fact they were really nice people. But it was just the environment. There were times when I felt so bad tears would fill my eyes, I couldn’t place why. There was crippling loneliness and a suffocating desperation to get out. Everyday it was a waiting game, 8 to 5. I would only go to work for the one reason that made it all better. With out it, I doubt I would have stayed so long.

The only way I could describe it was that it was toxic, some how it was bad for me, my Iman. Ironically being one of the places which should have done nothing but increase my Iman and protected me, it did the opposite. It crippled me, exposed me to something I had never been exposed to and changed me in to something I never wanted to be. I was disappointed, I had truly hoped for a future in a place like that but then I realised staying there would mean being someone I wasn’t, being ok with things I wasn’t. I realised sometimes ‘Shariah compliant’ is not so sharia after all. Strangely the life I had before I entered this environment was a lot more shariah compliant.

I doubt I have the knowledge to speculate whether I would have strayed as much as I did if I wasn’t in such an environment. What Allah had decreed for me, happened. I was tested, I failed. If I have learnt one thing from my mistakes it’s that, that’s not the end. One does not fail and lie down, they get back up and try again, fail again, and insha’allah in the end they succeed. That’s what I am doing. Maybe my test was to fail to learn to succeed, it was to taste the bitter reality this world is becoming in order to protect myself, it was to be heart broken in order to appreciate the people around me more, it was to feel pain in order to grow stronger, it was to harden myself so that I no longer get taken advantage of, it was to see how the other half lives so that I may never judge unfairly, it was to understand that one is not defined by the mistakes they make but by the lessons they learn from them. Perhaps these are the reasons why this happened, why I had these 5 months of confusion which led to so much pain ultimately. While I always hold the notion that Allah does what is needed for me, what is best, with this I couldn’t help question His plan, why? why did this happen? After all that praying, this is what came to my mind. I don’t want to give myself the luxury of feeling comfortable with what happened, but maybe He has so much mercy that this is what He wants me to know.

So yes, it was toxic, it poisoned my core. Working there hurt, a lot. The amount of relief I felt leaving my job was indescribable. Instantly I felt so much better, so much more energized, cheerful and happy. It doesn’t have anything particularly to do with the people there, just the place, the work. The day after I left, one of my good friends, who I had viewed as an annoyance during those 5 months, told me that they were so happy I left, they saw the change and were worried, wanted to say something but was waiting for the right time. I was gutted. I realised how much I had neglected those who had been there for me for years just because I couldn’t handle what was going on around me.

Even though I can’t really say I’m glad I ended up there, I can’t question it’s result as it was all part of His plan. At the end of the day all I can do is accept His plan. Alhamdullilah! Ramadan came as an antidote to my poisoned soul and saved me. I could really never thank Allah (swt) enough for it. I don’t know how I would have put back all the broken pieces together if I didn’t have this beautiful month. I don’t think I ever could. I can see so clearly now. Subhan’allah! He shows so much mercy, even to those who don’t deserve it.

So this is me, moving on, insha’allah to a better life…

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