The first time I saw my brother was when I was 4, it’s the most vivid memory I have of my childhood. I remember wanting to meet him for so long, asking my mother whether he would come out of her stomach soon, and finally seeing him lying in his cot in the hospital. The only thing that came into my head was that the pink thing lying sleeping was my baby brother, he was so soft and delicate. I remember touching his tiny little foot and being amazed at how small he really was. Those feelings still linger in the back of my head. I remember the first bout of sisterly possessiveness I felt when the nurse told me not to touch him. My thoughts “He’s my brother, I’ll touch him if I want to”. From the moment I saw him, he became mine, he became my baby brother, my baby. Alhamdulillah!
Throughout the years we’ve had our ups and downs. We’ve taken frustrations out on each other and our bouts of puberty were hard on both of us. But we’ve always been there for each other, we’ve always watched out for each other and at the end of the day we knew we only had each other. He is the only person who knows what I am thinking all the time. Sometimes it’s scary how we would have to only look at each other and know what each of us were about to say. This total in-syncness that we seem to have baffles many but to us, well we might as well be psychic because we tend to have wordless conversations all the time.
This Ramadan he spent most of his nights with me as I prayed Qiyamul Layl and prepared sahar. It was different from the lonely and some what scary early mornings I would normally have. It was nice to have company, especially during sahar time when the whole house is normally in utter darkness. It’s funny how although he is still leaning towards denial on my reversion, things like fasting and praying are an everyday thing to him now. Insha’allah I hope he completely adjusts to it with time.
I realized how long it had been since we talked, about everything. How long it had been since I told him everything that went on in my life, how long it had been since he was able to talk to me about his life. It made me make up my mind that I need to schedule people in to my life, no matter how stretched for time I might be, these are the beautiful people that deserve it. I had been so wrapped up with work I had completely lost touched with everything and everyone I loved. I think part of the reason I became so unhappy is because I lost this connection with all my beautiful people, the people who made life worth living, the people who appreciated me and truly loved me. I think nothing is worth more.
Years ago I had absolutely no one. Slowly and carefully Allah (swt) blessed me with these people, with these relationships. I need to treasure them, they are the most valuable gifts I have been given. My family who prove blood is thicker and my friends who’ve supported me through thick and thin, all amazing gifts from Allah (swt). Alhamdulillah!
So yes, my point! As weird as it might be, I’ve decided to schedule in time. It might make me sound robotic but I rather have an hour of nonsense and game/manga geeking out with my brother everyday, than use those 60mins for something which wouldn’t yield me anything. I rather have specific days to meet people than miss out on things that are taking place in their lives. This is the only way I know how to appreciate and take care of the valuable relationships Allah (swt) has blessed me with. At the end of the day, it’s up to us to take care of what He (swt) has given us.