Lately the going has been quite tough. There are honestly days where I don’t really know how to cope or manage all that goes on in my life. Everything is so complicated to the point that I feel I haven’t relaxed in forever. Each day is a hurdle and comes with plenty of stress and worry. Depressive thoughts constantly plague my mind and some times the stress comes to the point of break down.
While analysing my life I realized it’s more like a series of unfortunate events rather than anything to be happy about. I know in my heart there is plenty to be grateful for in my life, and honest I am! But sometimes I feel short changed. I don’t know how to shake this feeling. There is nothing in my life that is normal, I don’t have any normal friends, normal school life, childhood, marriage, family, hey! I don’t even have a normal identity. It sometimes feels like I’m stuck in some strange twilight zone full of complicated situations.
So that was the outlook I had till a few days ago. I couldn’t do it any more and I desperately broke down in front of Allah just asking for His help to make me grateful, to make me see the good, and to make me comfortable with what ever was bad (which was a lot). As always He was silent for awhile and then, a realization hit me!
What if my life wasn’t a series of unfortunate events but a series of unconventional blessings?
Sure I went through a lot and the skies still seem grey ahead but each of those events which bought so much hardship moulded me. My broken childhood helped me reach Islam. My fake friends helped me grow closer to Allah. Being alone made it easier for me to learn Islam. The lonely eids and Sahars thought me how to fast properly (not just the bare minimum) and how to get closer to Allah. My greatest mistake thought me how to repent, how to not judge others, and the meaning of forgiveness. The whispers about me thought me that only Allah can judge me. Being different and out of place helped me to build my own culture, my own world. Being unaccepted by the Muslim society made it easier for me to be unbiased. The insults and accusations thought me to pray for even my enemies, and allowed me to understand just how compassionate our beloved Prophet Mohamed (SAW) was to do the same. Each day I broke down thought me to talk to Allah, even through the tears. All the shattered dreams thought me that I am at the mercy of Allah’s plans.
Each one of these events that I had come to hate so much, helped me get closer to Allah, each one of them made me who I am today. So there we go! More to be grateful for. It’ll take some time for it to sink in to my head but I am determined to make this ugly duckling of a life in to a swan!