Lately I’ve found myself unconsciously trying to isolate myself. While it might be with good reason I still feel I shouldn’t.
When I was in the middle I was often over looked and misjudged as not a Muslim. Somehow at that time I was able to rationalize it. They didn’t know I had converted, they didn’t know how hard I tried, it’s not completely their fault.
So now here I am, married, with a child, screaming I’m Muslim and still I’m misjudged and treated as a second class citizen. What’s the excuse now? Maybe there isn’t one.
I fear if there is no excuse I will end up hating this Muslim community. I would end up hating how they expect things of me but never give me a chance, I would hate their constant condescending attitude, I would hate their questions, are you praying? Are you fasting? Are you reciting? I would hate their expectation of me to be like them, to talk, dress, an act like them. I would really hate that.
Sometimes I feel like I already do. I hate how people ask me if I am properly fasting, or check if I am practicing Islam. All the while without even lifting a single finger to help me learn a thing about Islam.
For the sake of my Lord I try my best to be nice to my community but sometimes it’s very hard.
Sometimes I love Allah but find myself unable to love my brothers and sisters who judge me so harshly.
I’m scared this hatred will fester within me and cause me to grow bitter. I want to go back in time when I was ignorant. When I had hope that some day my brothers and sisters would accept me. The days where I could tell myself that they acted out of ignorance and not out of character. I long for the days where I could think the best of people, the days where I didn’t have so many scars to make me think otherwise.
I pray to Allah to give me isolation if indeed people around me are as harsh as I feel they are so that at least, I would never hold Him and His beautiful religion accountable. I pray that if He sees fit, for Allah to bless me with people who will make me love His religion even more than I already do, Ameen.
I pray that some day it will be safe to take down the barrier around me and I won’t be scared of being hurt anymore! Insha’allah!