Barriers 

Lately I’ve found myself unconsciously trying to isolate myself. While it might be with good reason I still feel I shouldn’t.
When I was in the middle I was often over looked and misjudged as not a Muslim. Somehow at that time I was able to rationalize it. They didn’t know I had converted, they didn’t know how hard I tried, it’s not completely their fault.

So now here I am, married, with a child, screaming I’m Muslim and still I’m misjudged and treated as a second class citizen. What’s the excuse now? Maybe there isn’t one.
I fear if there is no excuse I will end up hating this Muslim community. I would end up hating how they expect things of me but never give me a chance, I would hate their constant condescending attitude, I would hate their questions, are you praying? Are you fasting? Are you reciting? I would hate their expectation of me to be like them, to talk, dress, an act like them. I would really hate that.
Sometimes I feel like I already do. I hate how people ask me if I am properly fasting, or check if I am practicing Islam. All the while without even lifting a single finger to help me learn a thing about Islam.

For the sake of my Lord I try my best to be nice to my community but sometimes it’s very hard.

Sometimes I love Allah but find myself unable to love my brothers and sisters who judge me so harshly.
I’m scared this hatred will fester within me and cause me to grow bitter. I want to go back in time when I was ignorant. When I had hope that some day my brothers and sisters would accept me. The days where I could tell myself that they acted out of ignorance and not out of character. I long for the days where I could think the best of people, the days where I didn’t have so many scars to make me think otherwise.
I pray to Allah to give me isolation if indeed people around me are as harsh as I feel they are so that at least, I would never hold Him and His beautiful religion accountable. I pray that if He sees fit, for Allah to bless me with people who will make me love His religion even more than I already do, Ameen.

I pray that some day it will be safe to take down the barrier around me and I won’t be scared of being hurt anymore! Insha’allah!

Peace!

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4 thoughts on “Barriers 

  1. Salam ! I came across your blog when I see your nomination for Liebster Award by Revels1, I recently arrived to blogging world , later than never! Read your post, I can feel how heavy you feel in your heart, the biggest problem of muslims in this era is they are judging each other without being aware of themselves and what lies in their hearts, all the focus is on others! They are even doing it with fellow muslims! Forget about such people like you listened from one ear and took it out from other!, I am happy to find you here, you are a brave person and a lucky one whom Allah has showed his way, Dont let devil whisper in your ear , you have already defeated him by choosing right way, we are all here to help each other on this journey, May be this is was also Allah’s plan to find each other here 🙂 You can write me or talk to me when ever you want, after all we are sisters in faith ! I will pray for you that Allah make things easy for you !

    • Salams sister! It’s very nice to meet you! Jazhallaha for your sweet words. Yes, I am trying my best to not let others get to me, sometimes it’s difficult, especially when it’s suppose to be people who are close to me. Anyway! Allah knows best! And as you said he keeps blessing me with beautiful muslims such as yourself to make up for the bad experiences I’ve had 🙂

      • Waslm Sister! you are always welcome! I cannot be there physically with you but my heart could be 🙂 Take Care! and do write me if you feel low , ! A big Hug to you 🙂

  2. Asalamualaikum sister,
    I know it’s definitely hard not to let what others say get to you but you do not need approval from people nor do you have to prove to anyone how Muslim you are. People will ALWAYS have something say, no matter what; they will never be pleased regardless of you being a revert or born Muslim. But Allah swt is easily pleased. He knows what is in your heart and how sincere you are — that is all that matters in the end. Have sabr and you will be rewarded. Stay strong and do not let it make you sad or bitter. Their judgments and harsh words are being written and Allah is witness. See them as trials testing your faith to bring you closer to Allah. I being born Muslim was mocked for wearing hijab by those close to me. I’m glad you have not held the actions of people against our beautiful faith. I see this is an old post but I pray you find the peace you need within your community and family. Feel free to reach out if you ever need to talk. Take care.

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