Ever feel like you’ve made a lot of progress and yet you are back in square one?
Lately I’ve been feeling the same pressure that I felt when I was a teenager. This was the same pressure and broken life which led me to Islam. I thought that chapter was over but some how I feel the same crippling sense of weight on my shoulders. The weight of my mother’s well being, my brother’s and then my child. The collar bone crushing weight which just makes it near impossible to have peace in one’s heart.
The same sense of loneliness lingers. After all when you feel so much pressure and you are the one who seems to be carrying the burden you naturally feel alone. Only difference now from 2005 is that I have Allah with me and my little angel. But I don’t know, I still feel alone some how. I think it’s mostly because the sources that I look for companionship keep letting me down.
I some how feel disgusted with the world. Frustrated. I’m tiered of the hate, discrimination and hypocrisy. I feel this isn’t such a good world to be in and long for the next. The only thing holding me back from wishing for death is my little angel who’s responsibilities lie on my shoulders.
I’m sure I’m having some sort of morbid out look on things but I just can’t seem to shake it. I can’t seem to find any reason to be optimistic. I’m not really sure why but my mind is plagued with pessimistic thoughts on pretty much everything.
To add to it, all those scares left behind from all those battles just seem to be opening up and gushing with hurt and anger. Long had I forgiven those who gave them to me but for some reason those feelings are back. Called them unresolved, but it feels worse than before. It feels festered rather than raw. All those people just bring disgust to me and I can’t help but think “why did they do it?” “how could they?”. That’s probably what resonates through my mind.
Surely something is wrong with me and something must have happened to cause this sudden spiral in to morbidity but I can’t seem to shake it. I can’t seem to be able to be happy.
They say battles and traumatic events in life make you stronger and better, while that maybe true, I think people often over look the fact that they leave you broken. Broken to the point that you can never be whole again. Once you’ve seen that much hate in people, you tend to wonder if deep down everyone is like that. And then a worse fear sets in, will you ever be like them as well?