One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

Ever feel like you’ve made a lot of progress and yet you are back in square one?
Lately I’ve been feeling the same pressure that I felt when I was a teenager. This was the same pressure and broken life which led me to Islam. I thought that chapter was over but some how I feel the same crippling sense of weight on my shoulders. The weight of my mother’s well being, my brother’s and then my child. The collar bone crushing weight which just makes it near impossible to have peace in one’s heart.
The same sense of loneliness lingers. After all when you feel so much pressure and you are the one who seems to be carrying the burden you naturally feel alone. Only difference now from 2005 is that I have Allah with me and my little angel. But I don’t know, I still feel alone some how. I think it’s mostly because the sources that I look for companionship keep letting me down.
I some how feel disgusted with the world. Frustrated. I’m tiered of the hate, discrimination and hypocrisy. I feel this isn’t such a good world to be in and long for the next. The only thing holding me back from wishing for death is my little angel who’s responsibilities lie on my shoulders.
I’m sure I’m having some sort of morbid out look on things but I just can’t seem to shake it. I can’t seem to find any reason to be optimistic. I’m not really sure why but my mind is plagued with pessimistic thoughts on pretty much everything.
To add to it, all those scares left behind from all those battles just seem to be opening up and gushing with hurt and anger. Long had I forgiven those who gave them to me but for some reason those feelings are back. Called them unresolved, but it feels worse than before. It feels festered rather than raw. All those people just bring disgust to me and I can’t help but think “why did they do it?” “how could they?”. That’s probably what resonates through my mind.
Surely something is wrong with me and something must have happened to cause this sudden spiral in to morbidity but I can’t seem to shake it. I can’t seem to be able to be happy.
They say battles and traumatic events in life make you stronger and better, while that maybe true, I think people often over look the fact that they leave you broken. Broken to the point that you can never be whole again. Once you’ve seen that much hate in people, you tend to wonder if deep down everyone is like that. And then a worse fear sets in, will you ever be like them as well?

Peace!

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6 thoughts on “One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

  1. It’s true what you say. You look around and as much as you want to say “I don’t care” deep down you do care, and that’s what leaves you broken. I can only say that this is something Allah is putting you through, and He always has better plans up His sleeve if you try really hard to believe that everything that is happening can be solved if Allah wants to. This is why we were created, and life is rough. But try to breathe in deeply and tell yourself that one day this will end, and you’ll be the one laughing. You’re baby will grow up and admire you for your strength and willpower even if you think you’re weak, you will one day feel glad that you didn’t let this take over your life completely and that you still strove on. I pray for you, sister. Stay strong.

  2. Salam Sister! May Allah make things easy for you, it is a hard world for oversensitive people, we get hurt beyond repair, but nothing is impossible for Allah, he makes up things like they were never broken! Keep faith, May be He wants you to be more closer to Him than Duniya, so he is eliminating this love from your heart, read a lot of Darud,Shahada ,,or listen to some verses of Quran before sleeping .. it really helped me.. I feel much better.. Alhamdolillah,

  3. Asalamu alaikum, I love you for the sake of Allah. Feel free to message me. I am super busy as I am in the middle of an overseas moving but will make time for you in’sha’Allah.

  4. Salam,

    This is such an inspiring blog.. I have enjoyed reading through your posts.. Alhumdullillah such lovely things to read on so many different topics.. Really helps us Muslims living in a Western society.
    Saira

  5. Salam,

    Sister, May Allah give you strength and courage to face all situations. In my personal opinion, kindly look back and see how much you have progressed in your religion since last two years. If there are short comings in it, that will be the first to be addressed. More we become closer to our creator, more we become stronger and will have faith on him.
    Additionally, the companionship should also be taken along with you by holding hands as now its not only you, but both of you’ll which constitutes the family unit.
    Other than 5 times daily prayers prayed on time, Zikr, Quran recitation, Dua and being away from Sins will make a huge difference in life.
    Waslam

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