So far my survive and forget way of living hasn’t really bought much happiness to me. I forgive and forgive yet so much anger and animosity is left in my heart. Although I can consciously say I have forgiven those who hurt me sometimes unconsciously I come to situations where my heart still holds a grudge. I don’t like that, and I certainly don’t want that. I can’t openly confront those who hurt me nor can I tell them how I really feel so I shall leave this letter here. Hopefully it will help bring peace to my heart.
I never meant for anyone to be hurt and I never did anything to anyone’s family. In fact in the end it was my family that had to face a lot of issues. All that I have done has only made the man I married a better person and a better Muslim. I never did anything detrimental to his character, I always watched out for him. As a parent I can not judge and don’t want to, but I can imagine what it must be like to feel like you are loosing your child. But take a moment to think of what your actions did to my life, your child’s life, your grandchild’s life.
Because of you my parents will never see the beauty of Islam. Your deranged actions made them believe Islam was a crude and sadistic religion. You showed them that marriages happen whether a child wanted it or not, you showed them lashing was acceptable as a punishment for disobeying a marriage order, and you showed that money is always a good reason to create a union between a man and a women. They were given the impression that Muslims in this country are all petty, ignorant and heart less. It’s such a pity because I know so many beautiful Muslims who I wish I could have my parents meet but because of you, they don’t want to, nor do they want to try and understand Islam for what it truly is. Cue media providing endless screen shots of Muslims doing wrong things, and voila! Islam no longer really means peace in their minds.
Because of you my marriage was strained. My husband married me while he was under duress to marry someone else. I will never know if it was to escape you, or to be with me. I trust Allah so I shall leave that to him. However the situations you created put so much strain on our marriage that to this day it’s difficult to relax and think everything is going to be ok. In fact on days that I feel at ease I automatically wonder what else will go wrong.
Because of you I lost all my freedom. I had to sell my right to wear what I want, be who I want, so that I could marry my husband and be in the religion I chose. I still, to this day don’t understand why you, as Muslims, couldn’t just understand my desire to want to be a Muslim. Why was it so hard to give me a chance? Truth is, a part of me hates you. Wearing a hijab, writing, working on things that bought me closer to my Lord was so amazing. I loved my life, but you took all that away from me. You put me in a situation where if I wanted to be a Muslim I would have to cut back on how much of a Muslim I was on the outside. It’s ironic, most women become more religious looking once they get married, I am forced to be the opposite.
Because of you I have a bad image of Muslims. It’s always been the case, even the very first years of being a revert it was you who made me scared of other Muslims, and now I can’t help but build a wall around me so that I am protect from “your kind” (the crazy ones). I don’t want to do that because while there are crazy people such as yourselves, there are also really great people who I am so grateful to just be able to associate. But I can’t help it, when I see an old Muslim lady eye balling me I instantly feel concious and scared.
Because of you my children will always have to chose a side. You can’t bring me in to the family, and some how I no longer want to be part of the family. Sadly my children will go where I go. I hope Allah understands that my shield is only because I don’t want my children to grow up thinking a “real” Muslim has “pure blood” or that non Muslims and their languages are beneath us. Even though I am angry a part of me still hopes you could just be nice and speak with out claiming that I don’t understand one of the three languages you speak. I converse in the other two perfectly fine, so it’s not really a “language” barrier.
For your sake I smiled and pretended like everything was fine. I took whatever you gave me, stood where you wanted me to stand and hid all the parts of me that didn’t fit in to your version of a Muslim women. I helped when you asked, I offered when you needed. I did all that with good faith believing someday you would accept me and treat me like you treat everyone else. I did that thinking it is what is best, what is good for my Iman. But more and more I realized I was stretching myself thin, trying to be a completely different me to please you. I suppose I shouldn’t have expected anything, perhaps then I wouldn’t feel let down by people who don’t even bother to know me.
I could go on and on but the simple fact is because of you I sacrificed a lot. And some how now it seems like I sacrificed my happiness so that I could live. I keep replaying the events of the last two years and I keep thinking how different it all would have been if you had just tried to be proper human beings. I get that along the way you might have forgotten the teachings of Islam, it happens to all of us, none of us do everything all the time perfectly. We make mistakes, we are human. All I ask is that you understand I am human too. I am the same as you and no way am I a lesser being just because I’m different.
I hope someday you come to realise the hurt you inflicted on me and my family. I hope someday you repent so that Allah can forgive. I hope and pray that Allah gives me the strength to forgive and forget all the events that transpired through out the last two years. I hope someday I can pretend like all this never happened.
It’s no use crying over spilt milk, and there is no use in me wanting to change the past. But I can change the future. I am tiered. I am done. I forgive you for every single thing you did. I do this because I hope Allah helps you before you ruin someone else’s life. I do this because to be forgiven, I myself have to forgive those who have wronged me. I do this so my heart can have some peace and I can finally find a glimmer of happiness in this tangled mess which is my life.
I don’t know where we go from here. All I know is I’m done walking in some one else’s shoes. My covenant is with Allah and I shall live by it. I don’t want to change or hide who I am for anyone’s sake. I shouldn’t have to.
If I am acceptable, I leave the door open for you to enter, but in no way am I moving away from who I am.
I am sorry if my words were harsh, I am sorry it has come to this, its only because I am beyond mad now. I am deeply hurt, and I wish to no longer wallow in that feeling.
May peace be upon you all.