What do you do when you find yourself numb to all that happens around you. You struggle to cope with the burden on your shoulders but you carry on waiting for a lighter load. One event sparks a fire which unleashes a storm of anger which you can barely control. This isn’t the anger you would feel when someone cuts you off on the road, or steals your parking spot, this is an unprecedented anger which engulfs your personality, takes control of your mind. Your words melt and hands tremble. No longer able to express yourself you grab what is closest to you and bash it on the floor, for a moment it feels good, for a moment you feel relief but then the fire is back, burning in to your soul. You try to control it, try to stop the hateful words, but you can’t. Years of keeping your head down, years of coping, years of struggling, years of trying not to complain, years of unresolved feelings, and then the dam breaks. Hot molten lava spews out at record speed, as your body trembles tears rain down only because you are so angry that it hurts.
People ask me why are you so angry? And I wish I could explain to them why but I can’t, because that would mean bringing up all the things that make me angry, thus making me angry. If I had to sum it up, I would because I have nothing. I feel like I am nothing. Islam teaches me to let go, and I want to let go so badly but I don’t understand how to, I am trying but the more I try the more angry I get. It’s like I’m dousing a bucket of water on a forest fire. What do you do when your only emotion is anger? How do you put out the fire?