What do you do?

What do you do when you find yourself numb to all that happens around you. You struggle to cope with the burden on your shoulders but you carry on waiting for a lighter load. One event sparks a fire which unleashes a storm of anger which you can barely control. This isn’t the anger you would feel when someone cuts you off on the road, or steals your parking spot, this is an unprecedented anger which engulfs your personality, takes control of your mind. Your words melt and hands tremble. No longer able to express yourself you grab what is closest to you and bash it on the floor, for a moment it feels good, for a moment you feel relief but then the fire is back, burning in to your soul. You try to control it, try to stop the hateful words, but you can’t. Years of keeping your head down, years of coping, years of struggling, years of trying not to complain, years of unresolved feelings, and then the dam breaks. Hot molten lava spews out at record speed, as your body trembles tears rain down only because you are so angry that it hurts.

People ask me why are you so angry? And I wish I could explain to them why but I can’t, because that would mean bringing up all the things that make me angry, thus making me angry. If I had to sum it up, I would because I have nothing. I feel like I am nothing. Islam teaches me to let go, and I want to let go so badly but I don’t understand how to, I am trying but the more I try the more angry I get. It’s like I’m dousing a bucket of water on a forest fire. What do you do when your only emotion is anger? How do you put out the fire?

 

 

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7 thoughts on “What do you do?

  1. I am trying to figure that out… idk if I have major moodswings/ chronic depression (my mother thinks I have this, but makes it sound like a disease). I try to let go but one moment im ok but then the next my mind falls into this emptiness and i cant stop anger and sad thoughts to come into my mind again. No one understands and I am too embarrassed to go to a therapist, also i heard therapy requires much money :/

    • I feel the same way! I try really hard to be alright and then for awhile I go strong and then just one tiny thing causes a mood change. I want to control it but can’t seem to. I feel bad that it happens. Like I’m not doing something properly. But most of all I just feel like I can’t cope, completely overwhelmed.

  2. Seriously I needed to read this. I feel the same way wallah. I’ve always had a lot of anger inside of me but recently I’ve just been going through a lot and I feel like day by day my anger builds. And I feel guilty to complain and I feel guilty to get angry in front of Allah so I try so hard to hold it in and sometimes I feel like I might bust one day. I’m trying, I’m really really trying, to figure out how to control this emotion but when it overtakes you it’s so hard to deal with it. =(

    • Exactly the same feeling! I feel guilty and bad that I can’t control it, and yet can’t control it no matter how hard I try. Its completely over whelming and I just feel like I’m in over my head 😦 I just keep remembering, ‘Allah doesn’t burden ones soul beyond that which it can bare’. Its like my mantra these days, just to get some sort of calmness going inside of me.

  3. Pingback: What do you do? | Dpressedmuslimah

  4. I think many people can relate to this and only few would admit it. May Allah give us more strength to face life and put smile in our face when face with trials. Ameen.

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