I’ve always told myself I would never make my Husband choose between me and his family. Simply because that’s what they did, and it’s obvious what they did was unfair. I don’t want to be that, I don’t want to make him go through something like that again, especially knowing how hard it was on him the first time.
I keep trying to revert back to how I was three years ago when life was so good, I felt so spiritually connected and I could call myself a Muslim with out a shred of doubt. I think what I hate the most is how much all this has changed me. I am no longer nice, even when I try to be. I don’t like it but it’s like every time I try to get back to how I was and I get a glimpse of life before, I spend 3 hours with them and I lose it all.
I feel so stripped of my identity. I just go in to a house, sit like a doll with a smile. I watch for body language and sudden movements to know if I am suppose to stand, sit, eat, drink. I don’t talk. I am barely acknowledged. I feel invisible, like I am nothing. I don’t really do anything but watch my child move about but when I get home I feel so exhausted! I literally jump right in the shower because I am always so angry and then so sad and hurt, I don’t even know how to make sense of it all. In the end I end up slightly resenting my Husband for making me visit them.
It’s not his fault, he can’t control any of it no matter how much he wishes he could, but as much as my mind knows that, my heart just fails to comprehend. Since I can’t really speak to any of them I end up telling my Husband all my grievances, and naturally he gets defensive since after all he can’t do anything about it.
I want to be a supportive wife and do the right thing but it’s been one and a half years and honestly about 90% of my head is saying “there is no point to this!”. Each time I mentally prepare myself but there is always nothing for me to be happy about. I wish after all this time I could be happy that they at least responded to my Salam, but they do that to a Muslim shop keeper! Am I really not above a random shop keeper? Apparently not…
I will not make him choose. I will grit my teeth and keep trying, until I have to choose myself over them. I hope Allah gives me enough strength to not have make that choice, and if I do then I pray he lets my Husband understand my feelings.