I think it’s been awhile since I’ve contemplated on something so complicated and personal. In my heart I know I avoid a lot of things because I just don’t feel like I have the strength to tackle it right now. So I flee and hide, buying time till I feel like I can.
My hijab was my identity, I was by all definition the Secret Hijabi. With all that happened some how I slipped and the part of me which I loved the most disappeared to the background, and as shameful as it is to say, I forgot. I forgot how happy I was to wear my hijab, how amazingly safe I felt when I adorned it and how connected I felt to Allah.
In all honestly my relationship with Allah has been strained. I have been negligent. I think I need to admit this to be able to return to who I was. I think it’s easy for me to say I’m not allowed to wear my hijab and live life, it’s not comfortable but it’s easy. But the point is the old me wouldn’t take that. The old me became the Secret Hijabi in order to fight it. While I can’t get back the same furious passion I had, I can remember what it feels like.
Taking off my hijab was one of the most painful things I did. Not being me ever since then has been difficult. Sadly, every time I think I want to fight the fear within me builds and I just keep remembering all the issues it will cause, and so I silence myself. At the end of the day the only person keeping myself from fighting back is myself. I just can’t seem to muster enough courage and some how I’m too ashamed to ask Allah for the strength as well.
I became the Secret Hijabi because I couldn’t wear hijab in the first place. Not much has changed now, just the constraints have increase. It doesn’t mean I can’t fight it.
So I think this is it.
It’s been way too long since I haven’t been myself. It’s been a long 2 years filled with a lot of sadness. I think I am ready to fight once more. I think,
I am ready to be hated and judged for being myself.
I am ready to be put on a spot light, being a Sinhalese Hijabi.
I am ready to be seen as a mindless women following her Husband’s will.
I am ready to defend my Husband against their claims of being an extremist for my choices.
I am ready for the stares, the whispers, the confused looks.
I am by all means ready to be myself once more so that I may be able to face my Lord with no shame.
It is time.
Ya Allah please let me back in…