My Husband often says I am a confusing person, and I don’t disagree at all. I think it is mainly because by birth I have a lot of traits which I’ve inherited from my father, and these traits although I try my best to control some times seep out. I call it my dark side, makes it sound interesting but it’s more like a massive battle in my head. Sometimes it feels like I’m crazy because I would think and re-think every situation, analysing it according to Islam and what is right and wrong before I come to a conclusion. Of course in between I get Shaithan talking, then my Nafs trying to jump in, so yeah it’s a lot going on in my head. Now that I read what I wrote, maybe I am crazy!
Most of the time the issues that have happen to me don’t help. My head says a lot of “They never smile, why do you need to?” or “They said this to you, and now they think everything is fine?” As a result when ever I go to my Husband’s place I have a silent battle with myself every step of the way. I fight with all my might to find some common ground to talk on, find some joke which I understand, find some word in between the sea of Tamil to provide me with some context. When I get home I’m exhausted and that’s when my dark side is most powerful.
I try to be a wife who doesn’t complain, maybe I’m not, but I try to be. I think overall I deal well with what I’ve got and don’t trouble my Husband for anything unreasonable. In all these years I’ve never asked him to fight for me or go against his parents for my sake. I’ve never asked for an apology or expected one. I’ve tried my best to be open as possible so that maybe they would get to know me and think ‘Hey! She’s not all that bad’. But see what happens is, in his place there is always some incident where I am some how pushed to the shadows, some hypocrisy which was forced on me but doesn’t apply to their own comes to light, some facial expression that tells me “No, it is not acceptable for you to be anything but what we say”
To them I am not a revert, I am not a Sinhalese, I am not a working mom, my parents do not exists, my brother does not exists, actually my whole family does not exists, finally, my lack of knowledge on the customs of being “Muslim” does not exists. This gets difficult when I get a call about work, or I get a call from my Mother while I’m there. It also gets difficult when I speak fluent Sinhalese and the children there ask me how I am so good at it, even before I answer I see my Mother in Laws face filled with the expression of “Stop!”. I accidentally naturally answered “Well because I’m Sinhalese” causing confusion in the child. The child says “But how come you are Sinhalese? Your a Muslim.” And that’s when it hits me that they too don’t know the difference between a race and religion, and of course that there are such things as reverts. My Husband buried the topic but my heart had already sunk by that time.
So yes, when I am there I fight with my self like my life depends on it. I do it for the sake of my Husband and because I think it is what Allah would want of me. But in the process my heart acquires bruises which I can’t heal immediately, bruises my dark side uses to fight back in my head. I don’t have anyone to talk to about these kind of things so I naively mention them to my Husband and of course it being his family he gets defensive, and I get hurt that he so easily dismisses my feelings and values theirs so much more. He always asks me to understand their situation, to know that they have not been exposed to the same things I have, and that they have a very closed mind set. But my dark side says “Why isn’t it fair then? Why do you have to take everything and pretend to be what they want? Why does he not bother to tell his Father to act like you are not a wall? Why does your father in law take your child from your hands with out even acknowledging your existence? Why?”
All questions I can’t ask, and if I do I’m sure my Husband wouldn’t understand. I don’t think a person who hasn’t been shut out, discriminated against or had mud slung on their character can understand what it’s like. It’s probably what causes tension in many marriages involving reverts. I’m not so sure about what I’m suppose to do. If I stop suppressing my inner thoughts it will be a whole load of ugly. And yet if I go on like this no one is going to be happy.
So yes confusing behaviour. I am a confusing person. Only because I am trying to do the right thing.