The Absence

I write because I don't know what I think until I read what I say

I’ve been absent.

Yes, been in and out of blogging during the last few years. A lot has happened and each day more “happens”. It’s sort of one of those things I keep thinking I need to do and I want to start again but something always gets in the way. The latest possible reason would be inaccessibility to the digital world! Turns out the maximum lifespan of a notebook/laptop is never more than 6 years. I was sad since my laptop has pretty much become a part of me, through it all together, the good, the bad and the ugly.

Life goes on…

Let’s see if this time I can keep myself blogging. When ever I am not, I always feel a little unsettled. I suppose that’s reasonable since this is an outlet for my thoughts and feelings, and boy to I have a lot of thoughts and feelings.

So I am back…again…



Muslim Women


I am a Muslim woman
Feel free to ask me why
When I walk
I walk with dignity
When I speak
I do not lie

I am a Muslim woman
Not all of me you’ll see
But what you should appreciate
Is that the choice I make is free

I’m not plagued with depression
I’m neither cheated nor abused
I don’t envy other women
And I’m certainly not confused

Note, I speak perfect English
I’m majoring in Linguistics
So you need not speak slowly

I run my own small business
Every cent I earn is mine
I drive my Chevy to school & work
And no, that’s not a crime!

You often stare as I walk by
You don’t understand my veil
But peace and power I have found
As I am equal to any male!

I am a Muslim woman
So please don’t pity me
For God has guided…

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Confusing Behaviour

My Husband often says I am a confusing person, and I don’t disagree at all. I think it is mainly because by birth I have a lot of traits which I’ve inherited from my father, and these traits although I try my best to control some times seep out. I call it my dark side, makes it sound interesting but it’s more like a massive battle in my head. Sometimes it feels like I’m crazy because I would think and re-think every situation, analysing it according to Islam and what is right and wrong before I come to a conclusion. Of course in between I get Shaithan talking, then my Nafs trying to jump in, so yeah it’s a lot going on in my head. Now that I read what I wrote, maybe I am crazy!

Most of the time the issues that have happen to me don’t help. My head says a lot of “They never smile, why do you need to?” or “They said this to you, and now they think everything is fine?” As a result when ever I go to my Husband’s place I have a silent battle with myself every step of the way. I fight with all my might to find some common ground to talk on, find some joke which I understand, find some word in between the sea of Tamil to provide me with some context. When I get home I’m exhausted and that’s when my dark side is most powerful.

I try to be a wife who doesn’t complain, maybe I’m not, but I try  to be. I think overall I deal well with what I’ve got and don’t trouble my Husband for anything unreasonable. In all these years I’ve never asked him to fight for me or go against his parents for my sake. I’ve never asked for an apology or expected one. I’ve tried my best to be open as possible so that maybe they would get to know me and think ‘Hey! She’s not all that bad’. But see what happens is, in his place there is always some incident where I am some how pushed to the shadows, some hypocrisy which was forced on me but doesn’t apply to their own comes to light, some facial expression that tells me “No, it is not acceptable for you to be anything but what we say”

To them I am not a revert, I am not a Sinhalese, I am not a working mom, my parents do not exists, my brother does not exists, actually my whole family does not exists, finally, my lack of knowledge on the customs of being “Muslim” does not exists. This gets difficult when I get a call about work, or I get a call from my Mother while I’m there. It also gets difficult when I speak fluent Sinhalese and the children there ask me how I am so good at it, even before I answer I see my Mother in Laws face filled with the expression of “Stop!”. I accidentally naturally answered “Well because I’m Sinhalese” causing confusion in the child. The child says “But how come you are Sinhalese? Your a Muslim.” And that’s when it hits me that they too don’t know the difference between a race and religion, and of course that there are such things as reverts. My Husband buried the topic but my heart had already sunk by that time.

So yes, when I am there I fight with my self like my life depends on it. I do it for the sake of my Husband and because I think it is what Allah would want of me. But in the process my heart acquires bruises which I can’t heal immediately, bruises my dark side uses to fight back in my head. I don’t have anyone to talk to about these kind of things so I naively mention them to my Husband and of course it being his family he gets defensive, and I get hurt that he so easily dismisses my feelings and values theirs so much more. He always asks me to understand their situation, to know that they have not been exposed to the same things I have, and that they have a very closed mind set. But my dark side says “Why isn’t it fair then? Why do you have to take everything and pretend to be what they want? Why does he not bother to tell his Father to act like you are not a wall? Why does your father in law take your child from your hands with out even acknowledging your existence? Why?”

All questions I can’t ask, and if I do I’m sure my Husband wouldn’t understand. I don’t think a person who hasn’t been shut out, discriminated against or had mud slung on their character can understand what it’s like. It’s probably what causes tension in many marriages involving reverts. I’m not so sure about what I’m suppose to do. If I stop suppressing my inner thoughts it will be a whole load of ugly. And yet if I go on like this no one is going to be happy.

So yes confusing behaviour. I am a confusing person. Only because I am trying to do the right thing.

Back to Hijab

I think it’s been awhile since I’ve contemplated on something so complicated and personal. In my heart I know I avoid a lot of things because I just don’t feel like I have the strength to tackle it right now. So I flee and hide, buying time till I feel like I can.

My hijab was my identity, I was by all definition the Secret Hijabi. With all that happened some how I slipped and the part of me which I loved the most disappeared to the background, and as shameful as it is to say, I forgot. I forgot how happy I was to wear my hijab, how amazingly safe I felt when I adorned it and how connected I felt to Allah.

In all honestly my relationship with Allah has been strained. I have been negligent. I think I need to admit this to be able to return to who I was. I think it’s easy for me to say I’m not allowed to wear my hijab and live life, it’s not comfortable but it’s easy. But the point is the old me wouldn’t take that. The old me became the Secret Hijabi in order to fight it. While I can’t get back the same furious passion I had, I can remember what it feels like.

Taking off my hijab was one of the most painful things I did. Not being me ever since then has been difficult. Sadly, every time I think I want to fight the fear within me builds and I just keep remembering all the issues it will cause, and so I silence myself. At the end of the day the only person keeping myself from fighting back is myself. I just can’t seem to muster enough courage and some how I’m too ashamed to ask Allah for the strength as well.

I became the Secret Hijabi because I couldn’t wear hijab in the first place. Not much has changed now, just the constraints have increase.  It doesn’t mean I can’t fight it.

So I think this is it.

It’s been way too long since I haven’t been myself. It’s been a long 2 years filled with a lot of sadness. I think I am ready to fight once more. I think,

I am ready to be hated and judged for being myself.

I am ready to be put on a spot light, being a Sinhalese Hijabi.

I am ready to be seen as a mindless women following her Husband’s will.

I am ready to defend my Husband against their claims of being an extremist for my choices.

I am ready for the stares, the whispers, the confused looks.

I am by all means ready to be myself once more so that I may be able to face my Lord with no shame.

It is time.

Ya Allah please let me back in…

A Love Story



She lived in a world full of darkness,
He in a world of light,
She lived by her principles,
He by his Lord’s book.

She said I want to change,
He said it’s too risky,
She said please help me,
He said It would not be right,
She said I want Allah as my Lord,
He said by Allah I will help,
She said I bear witness,
He said now we are both His slaves.

She said I am alone,
He said take my hand,
She said I’m scared,
He said trust me,
She said I’m different,
He said I know,
She said I’m ugly,
He said not to me.

She said I was stupid,
He said I know,
She said I shouldn’t have been so naive,
He said I know,
She said please forgive me,
He said I already did,
She said I don’t deserve you,
He said be with me as long as you live.

She said I’ll always be alone,
He said not while I am here,
She said I can’t do this alone,
He said you don’t have to,
She said they will always hate me,
He said it doesn’t matter,
She said I will never be like them,
He said promise me never ever.

She said are you sure?
He said yes, forever,
She said it won’t be the same,
He said I don’t want it being anything but different.

She said you promised,
He said I’m sorry,
She said why should I stay,
He said because there is no one else for me,
She said I will forgive,
He said I will repent.

He said we will do this together,
She said yes together,
He said together for ever,
She said yes Insha’allah forever and ever.


Ya Allah Give Me Strength

Ya Allah give me strength to smile even if my heart is crying,

Ya Allah give me strength to face the people who hurt me,

Ya Allah give me strength to hold no animosity,

Ya Allah give me strength to forget all those horrible memories,


Ya Allah give me strength to fight the urge to play tit for tat,

Ya Allah give me strength to protect myself from their strange gazes and isolation,

Ya Allah give me strength to know what is right,

Ya Allah give me strength to do what is right,


Ya Allah give me strength to not wallow in self pity,

Ya Allah give me strength to defeat my inner negative thoughts and feelings,

Ya Allah give me strength to control my nafs,

Ya Allah give me strength to hide what is within me and smile,


Ya Allah give me strength so I may have confidence in myself,

Ya Allah give me strength so I may not burden my Husband,

Ya Allah give me strength so I may take the high road,

Ya Allah give me strength so one day I may be once more, be me


Reverting Reverts

It’s a stereotype which everyone holds, at least in Sri Lanka. If you revert to Islam, they say, you will revert back out of Islam. In some way I feel they say it so much that it becomes true, and as much as I would like to say “No, it does not happen”, it does. I have seen it numerous times. But why and how does it happen is the question people should be asking, but they never do.

Converting to any religion in Sri Lanka is controversial. The roots of it lies with respecting your ancestors and carrying on some made up family legacy. Personal choices in most cases do not exist. An example is how difficult it is to get married these days, it literally becomes a battle of who you want and who your family wants. With all that pressure when someone decides to change their religion and then try to make a life for themselves, there should be immense support from the by standers.

Usually when you convert your family outcasts you, so you end up alone. You find a spouse and think maybe I can finally be happy. Days go by, and issues crop up, differences in culture, habits, opinions on religion. Some cases it maybe abuse, you may feel trapped in a marriage because you have no one else. You go on, until the last drop of strength disappears. You talk to those who are most comforting to you, your family. They say you made a mistake, but it’s alright, come back now. So you do. Some where along the line you find Shaithan poisoning your mind. He tells you to hate the religion that belongs to your spouse. He tells you it’s not just their fault, it’s the religions fault. Then you find your self a reverted revert.

This scenario is what I have seen time and time again when it comes to reverts. I can’t say it’s anyone’s fault because it probably is everyone’s fault. Everyone involved made one or more mistakes along the way. But I will say that as a Muslim of 9 years, I have been disappointed at how judgemental and unhelpful the Ummah in Sri Lanka is. I’ve seen mistreatment of reverts far too much to ever feel welcomed in social situations. Not everyone is bad, there are people who will support you to the end, but the majority look at you with eyes of wonder as to when you will cease to be a revert. It’s like they are waiting for a coconut to drop, so sure it will but wondering when.

Whatever the case maybe, whether it was a reversion out of faith, or marriage. We should not judge. Allah has guided them and made that situation, it is His plan. They may remain in Islam, they may not. Allah sees all and knows all. How can we pass judgement on something He has planned? Maybe the one who converts for marriage will find Iman and Thaqwa far more than the one who converts with faith. We do not know, we can not know. I think as a Muslim our duty is to accept anyone who is interested in Islam with open arms. The rest is with Allah.

I can’t say people will never move out of Islam. There is a basket of various reasons which could lead to their decision. However I think we as Muslims should not be one reasons. Reverts are lonely, I know that from experience. If they only see Muslims treating them harshly they automatically let their image of Islam be tainted with that behaviour. Again, I know this out of experience. It takes a long time to understand Muslims practice Islam, but Islam is not represented by Muslims, the only representation of Islam should be Allah and his Prophets (Peace be upon them all).

No one chooses to convert for the fun of it, there is a thought process involved. We should respect that and try to support them with whatever they need. In most cases I think reverts just need someone to talk to, someone to say don’t worry, Allah is with you and I am also with you. All I ask of everyone who reads this is to be that someone. You would be surprised at how powerful and valuable a few lines in comment or a few minutes of words are to a revert. So let us help the reverts, remain reverts.